Food, Panic Attacks, and Aiming True.

This is a heavy blog post. To deflect that a little bit, I will be interspersing it with photos of food I have been enjoying as of late. Who doesn't love food? 

Here I go. The typical "wow, it's been awhile, soooo much has been going on, blah blah blah, this and that and something else, now I'm going to blog again on the regular because clearly everyone has missed my updates in this little corner of the internet OH so much" post.

Except it's not.

Ezekiel bread w/ raw almond butter is my go-to breakfast.
Coconut water keeps me from cramping in yoga.

See, if you read my blog even semi-regularly, you know that I started 2012 with this little idea to take all of Kathryn Budig's YogaGlo classes and write about them. I said it wasn't a New Year's resolution. It wasn't. And I think that's key, because even though I haven't been doing Kathryn Budig's practices regularly and writing about them (or writing much at all in this blog), I haven't been failing. In fact, I've been succeeding, and in a huge way. It's BECAUSE of my Aim True challenge. I'd be remiss to not document it, if for no one else than myself. (But what I secretly hope about blogging, and especially about somewhat PAINFULLY HONEST blogging like this, is that someone out there will read it and feel just a little bit less alone in the world. I'll be honest - it scares me to put this out for public consumption. But again - here I go).

If I have more time, I <3 poached eggs! With spinach!

I called it the Aim True challenge because that is Kathryn's brand, but more importantly, it's her philosophy. At least in as much as what I can claim to know about her based on what I've read online and what I've learned taking her classes. At the time I was feeling horribly out of shape, and knew that her athletic vinyasa flow classes would help start getting me back to where I wanted to be physically. But it wasn't just about feeling out of shape (and feeling like a fraudulent yoga teacher, because really, doesn't everyone expect their yoga teacher to be perfect, especially in matters of health and wellness? Oh the PRESSURE). I knew I needed to do SOMETHING, I needed to do it IMMEDIATELY, because what I ultimately needed was CHANGE. But back in January, the amount of change I needed to make was so much that it felt overwhelming and insurmountable to even think about. So I just picked one thing to do, and I did it. Yoga. With Kathryn. Because I dig her a lot.

Mmm, hummus. Mmm, avocado. Mmm, Lunch.

Things didn't go according to the imaginary script that I had secretly already written before I even began. I sort of thought that I would just do class after class, day after day, and start getting super strong and lose a bunch of weight and start doing this whole life thing pretty much perfectly and by this point I'd have finished 40+ KB YogaGlo classes and be writing about profound insights and life-changing moments. Oh, and I'd probably have my own column in Yoga Journal and be writing for all the major yoga blogs like MindBodyGreen and Elephant Journal, and actually, Kathryn Budig herself would have probably hired me to be her personal yoga teaching assistant to travel to Bali with her to conduct transformational workshops. I'd be the "Reality Yogi" doing ToeSox ads involving clothes and Child's Pose.

Instead, by late January, after 18 of Kathryn's YogaGlo classes, I had to face the fact that this old shoulder injury I have wasn't digging on the daily vinyasa practice. Downdog to plank to chaturanga to updog to downdog is a rotator cuff nightmare if your alignment is off, OR, in my case, if you have a weak spot from injury that might never quite be the same as it was when you were 25. I had to take a break.

Ahi tuna, spinach dressed with olive oil and lemon.
With avocado. Of course. My fave lunch this week.

So I moved away from Kathryn (even though I do love her oh so much) and toward my Kripalu yoga practices. Stephen Cope's Dynamic Kripalu Yoga DVD, Danny Arguetty's audio practices, online Kripalu practices. And I recommitted to my own meditation practice. (Have I already mentioned that being a yoga teacher is hard? The pressure to practice what you preach, so to speak, is immense. And it's not even the external pressure that is hard as much as it is the internal pressure - at least for me).

So I gave the script a little rewrite. I mean, really, what kind of script doesn't have the obligatory challenge for the protagonist to overcome? The hiccup was the shoulder injury, I shifted my practice to accommodate my rhomboids, DAMNIT, so now me and yoga sail off into the sunset together as I get super strong, lose a bunch of weight, and write about profound insights and life-changing moments (and go to Bali with Kathryn). Right? Right?!?

I started having panic attacks.

This was absolutely NOT part of the script.

Grilled Ahi tuna. Homemade sweet potato fries.
Roasted green beans!

I have a part-time job to supplement my teaching, and I was sitting at my desk one day when all of the sudden I thought I was having a heart attack. I was short of breath. My chest felt tight. I was sure I was dying. There was NO rhyme or reason behind it.

And thinking I was going to die - really, truly, honestly think I was going to DIE scared the SHIT out of me.

This happened about four different times, completely out of the blue. Different times, different places, different circumstances. I saw that my local hospital was doing a free heart screening day, and it even included an ultrasound of my carotid artery. I showed up bright and early, certain I was going to learn that I was, indeed, dying of heart disease and that I didn't even HAVE a carotid artery.

Nope. My heart is a-okay. I do have a carotid artery and it has exactly 0% build-up. (I asked the lady doing the ultrasound if that was good or bad. She laughed at me).

Quinoa pasta is AMAZING. Kale with garlic.
Christmas plate in March. So?

So now I had to re-write the script yet AGAIN. I asked a close friend who knows everything about everything (I'm serious. He knows everything about everything. I'm so glad he's my friend) and who I trust implicitly for some advice. I was forthright about what was going on. And I took his advice. Little bits and pieces at a time.

Instead of relying on yoga for everything, I got back to high intensity interval training, strength training, and made some nutritional changes he recommended. I've been a RAGING insomniac for years and have gotten by; I set an 11pm bedtime, 7am wake time for myself and stuck with it. Even on the weekends (usually), I get up, I drink lemon water, I say hello to the sun, I meditate, I exercise...and THEN I have coffee. One cup. I'm incredibly mindful about what I put into my body - I do a little Michael Pollen/Weight Watchers combo that is working for me. “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” (and then track the WW points. It really helps with the "not too much" part). I drink a ton of plain water - about 100 ounces a day. I keep track of my sodium (aren't iPhone apps the best?) and try to stay below 2300 mg a day.

Chimichurri salmon, roasted carrots, lemon risotto w/ cherry tomatoes.

And for the past few weeks I've slowly but surely started feeling better...and better..and better...and so much better, comparatively, that I've had moments of euphoria.

Another dear friend of mine, who I'm also so glad is my friend, and who I also trust implicitly gave me some really sage advice, though. Don't get too caught up in the euphoria. Don't be obsessive. Take the middle path. (Can anyone guess where both of these friends went to college? ;) 

And I'm still practicing yoga in some way, shape or form every day, of course, and I'm teaching 10+ classes a week. In fact, I even did a Kathryn Budig class this week, for the first time in over a month. And it was SO, so, so, so great. I had to modify some stuff for my shoulder, and I'm not going to be able to do more than one to two KB practice a week, but it was SUCH a treat.

This is me, NOT having a panic attack.
I like NOT having panic attacks, thankyouverymuch.

There is no ending. There aren't any credits. I'm not done. This is where I am right now. And I just keep praying, "Artemis, huntress of the moon, make my aim true. Give me goals to seek and the constant determination to achieve them."

Yoga Babies

I have two amazing nieces, Madeline and Lily. Madeline is eight and such a unique, beautiful, complex little soul who is chock full of LOVE. She's also exceedingly bright, always a skeptic and often a comic. In a lot of ways, I see a lot of myself in Madeline. She can be VERY private, and I always get the feeling that there is a lot more going on behind the eyes than she lets on. She's really sensitive to other people (and bugs/animals/the earth) being hurt. She's always been immensely creative (my sister says it's because she wouldn't stop Madeline from doing things like artistically decorating her entire body with lipsticks at 2 years old - HA!!!) Madeline was a god-send for our whole family in a lot of ways; she was born just three months before my mom died - an incredible juxtaposition of joy and sadness. Lily is two and has an exuberance and vitality about her that is just breath taking. She's been matching pitch since she was less than a year old, which I'm convinced means she is going to be a musical genius, and she has the most captivating eyes, smile and demeanor about her that you can imagine. And she's HILARIOUSLY funny. She is also affectionate, shy, respectful (sometimes) and ritualistic; she likes to close all of the doors, throw things away, and sit on a specific rug (the one next to the yoga mat in the kitchen, as a matter of fact) to eat bowls of berries. Her love of berries is one of our connections - when she stayed with me while my sister and her family went to Disney World in December, she ate an entire container of blackberries, an entire container of strawberries and an entire container of blueberries in approximately 30 minutes.That was a fun diaper. (Ew).

Madeline has actually taken a couple of my public yoga classes at the YMCA. Lily is just a complete MIMIC, and incredibly limber. Tonight my dad gave me a Manduka Black Mat Pro for my birthday. I rolled it out as soon as I opened it, but before I could give it the good old Downward Facing Dog Test, Madeline and Lily beat me to it! Thank goodness for iPhone cameras in easy reach! I really couldn't believe it.

I adore my two little yoga babies. 

xo

Reality Yogi Aims True: Habits

February is almost over! My birthday is on Monday, February 27, which is fun, but what is even MORE exciting is that on Wednesday it's FEBRUARY 29TH! I love, love, love, love LEAP YEARS! I'm really excited that it's a Wednesday, too, because that means I lead my meditation group on the EXTRA, SPECIAL DAY we only get once every four years. It's gonna have to be a special one. =)

So the second month of 2012, and you might think I've TOTALLY failed at my Aim True challenge. Well, I haven't. (Have I struggled feeling as though I failed because I needed a break from vigorous vinyasa with Kathryn Budig? Yes.) But the reality is, I actually feel as though I'm starting to aim more and MORE true. I've still been practicing and teaching a LOT of yoga. But I've moved back toward the power of KRIPALU yoga these days, and it's incredibly therapeutic and personal. I know I'll start to work some more of Kathryn's classes into my practice, but maybe just one or two a week. I still want to finish all of her classes by the end of 2012.

In other news, but totally related, here are two habits I am starting to get a firm grasp on:

Sadhana every morning. This doesn't have to be yoga practice, although it could be. Any combination of asana, meditation, pranayama, music and silence for at least 30 minutes. I have my own little 6-motions of the spine practice/warm-up that I do (almost) every morning, which developed out of both my personal practice and my teaching, that takes all of two minutes. I try to do at least 8 to 10 minutes of some pranayama, which could be as simple as soft-belly breathing, but is usually some combination of Dirgha, Ujjayi and Nadi Shodhana. I also do a 20 minute seated breath, mala bead, or mantra meditation every morning. Right now I've gotten really into metta meditation - sending positive energy out into the world, usually toward someone specific. I was completely taken by this passage in the book The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope:

This photo has nothing to do with the passage, but was a yummy dinner.

Jake was holding the most intriguing piece for last. "Here's the most amazing thing. I discovered that there were tracks coming back the other way."

Susan knit her brow. "What?"

Rudi got it. "It means that Fiona had been praying for Jake, too. Jake found the tracks of Fiona's prayers coming back toward him."

"She has been praying for me. Praying for me for years." said Jake.

"Of course, she hasn't been praying for the right things, exactly. I mean she's been praying, I assume, that I'll get married, give up yoga. Whatever. Be a good dog. Get the Devil outta me. But I don't think it matters. It's the spirit of well-wishing itself that makes the tracks."

Jake later discovered that, indeed, Fiona had her own prayer group of Catholic ladies: the St. Mary Society. They had all been praying for Jake for years."

For some reason, perhaps oddly, this calls to mind my favorite E.E. Cummings poem.

(Oh, and I hope you ALL can feel my well wishes for you. =)

Ginger tea while I blog. =)

Ginger tea every night after supper. Signifying the end of eating for the day. This was ritualistic for me at Kripalu. There is really no snacking at Kripalu, unless you buy goodies at the little shop during the day. And I didn't. I stuck with the cafeteria food - which is pretty EXTRAORDINARY. (Okay, except for OCCASIONAL afternoon coconut waters and ginger chews. Sheesh).

Also trying to:

• Limit snacking
• Continue drinking lots of water (about 100 oz a day on a good day, um, ESPECIALLY if you include La Croix!)
• Drink a little bit LESS La Croix (just as an experiment...I was drinking at least six a day).
• Read a BOOK at least two hours a day.

Wanna know the one habit I cannot seem to get a grasp on? GOING TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR. Another one? WATCHING LESS REALITY TV. Housewives, Kardashians, Top Chef... I even got sucked into ICE LOVES FREAKIN' COCO THIS PAST WEEK! Come ON, Hilary. ;)

Tell me, tell me...what habits are YOU working on these days??

Reality Yogi: Kitchen Yoga

Sometimes it's really hard to make the time for yoga practice. Especially when it becomes one of those things - you know all about those THINGS. Things that you need very specific set of circumstances to do CORRECTLY. In my perfect yoga world, every day there would be 90 to 120 solid, consecutive minutes, falling exactly three hours after I last ate (a light, healthy, organic, free-range, local meal) in a day that I was perfectly hydrated (but for some amazing yogic reason, I wouldn't have to pee during those 90 to 120 minutes) and wearing the perfect yoga outfit (and it would have to be Lululemon from head to toe, because what is more ironic than a $300 yoga outfit?) in a room that had been smudged with (organic) white sage approximately 30 minutes before I began my practice, candles (I made myself) lit, and a perfect playlist cued up.And of course I'd be on my Manduka Black Mat Pro. Duh.

I think those exact circumstances happened once. Well, except for the Lulu outfit. Oh, and I've never made a candle in my life. And I don't have a Manduka Black Mat Pro, except I think I'm getting one for my birthday!! But yeah, something like that happened one time. In 1996. That's the ticket.

Okay, it never happened.

And let's face it - it probably never will.

But you don't need the perfect amount of time, the perfect space, the expensive mat, and definitely not the $300 yoga outfit to practice YOGA. You can practice yoga anytime, anywhere.

Today I did some yoga in my kitchen. In between folding laundry and drinking coffee. And thinking about how I need to start eating more celery because it's supposed to be good for your heart, or at least that's what I read in some magazine yesterday.

Luckily the beauty of yoga is that I stopped thinking about celery for a hot second and had a very fleeting moment of blissful peace and concentration.

You can, too.

• Stand with your feet a little wider than hip with apart. 
• Being to twist, allowing the arms to gain momentum like empty coat sleeves of a trench coat draped over your shoulders. Lift the opposite heel as you look behind you. 
• Coordinate it with some strong pranayama practice - a sharp inhale through the nose as you come through center, a forceful "HA" breath out the mouth as you twist. 
• Let the momentum build and build, and let your hands hit you wherever they may (it's probably somewhere you have a big concentration of lymph nodes, and they need a love tap now and then!) 
• Continue for a minute or two, then let the momentum slow down, like the battery in the toy is slowly dying.
• When you are finally still, notice how you feel. Breathe deeply. 

This incredibly simple twist is SO therapeutic and beneficial. It's a nice squeeze and soak for all of the organs in the abdomen - flooding them with freshly oxygenated blood, and it also keeps the spine supple and creates space for all of the nerves traveling out of the spine to the rest of the body. Hooray! 

Or go throw on your Lulu clothes, roll out that Manduka, light the candles, smudge the room and have that perfect, enlightening two hour practice. I'm jealous already. ;)

Love,
The Reality Yogi

Reality Yogi: Deep Relief for Aching Shoulders

Start in SUKASANA. Bring the attention to the breath. Do it again. Do it again. Everytime you notice that the mind has wandered, bring the attention back to the breath. Do it again. Again.

BREATHE. Deeply. Dirgha-Ujjayi if you dig it. Five minutes. Or more.

GENTLE RESTORATIVE CHEST OPENER on a folded blanket. Knees bent, soles of the feet on the floor. Knees fall together, feet apart. Five minutes. Ore more.

CHEST OPENER ON TWO BLOCKS. Legs in BADDHA KONASANA. Breathe. Breathe some more.

Table - cat/dog spine stretch.

Step one foot through. KNEE-DOWN LUNGE. Arms up. Drop arms down like you could reach the edges of the mat. Work the heart center forward, shoulders down. Breathe.

WIDE STANCE DOWNWARD FACING DOG. Floss the shoulders - drop the heart through. Moving toward 5-point pose.

Walk back to STANDING FOWARD FOLD - UTTANASANA.

SLOWLY roll up to stand.

TADASNA. Raise arms for FULL UPWARD SALUTE.

STANDING YOGA MUDRA ARMS with or without a strap. Shimmy and floss the shoulders. Repeat at least two times. Three for good measure. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Standing. Release the neck with a positional therapy move: bring one arm over the head, droping the inside of the elbow onto the head and leaning the head toward the raised arms. Repeat on the other side.

SAVASANA. Relax. Let go.

A Detour

I had to take a hiatus from my Aim True challenge for a few reasons. First and foremost, I was fighting a cold for about a week, and could barely breathe to practice. Doing yoga when congested is DIFFICULT. Second, I have had this nagging issue in my shoulders and neck, and I feel like my body is asking me from some time off from the repetitiveness of Vinyasa yoga. I'm really trying to do my very best to live the point of this challenge - which was always to reconnect to myself. And if I'm truly exploring the inquiry of optimal living, then I have to listen to my body.

So I've been returning to the therapeutic and mindful practice of more traditional Kripalu yoga - which is, actually, INCREDIBLY strength-oriented more so than flexibility oriented, and trying to be consistent about other aspects of my sadhana: pranayama and meditation. I've started doing a 30 minute practice every morning that includes 10 (timed on my iPhone) minutes of pranayama (Dirgha and Ujjayi, mostly) followed by 20 minutes of (timed) seated meditation. I'm reading The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope for my book club, and it's really making me want to get back to my meditation practice with more regularity.

We'll see. I ADORE Kathryn's classes, but I have to listen to my body.

Reality Yogi: Bummertown (A Lapse In Practice)

I don't want to be that blogger. You know, the one who just drops off the face of the planet after being REALLY amped about something. I feel like I AM not only that blogger, though, but I'm also that GIRL in real life. And I don't want to be her. 

So I need to follow-through.

The upside: I think my path of yoga is the first thing I've REALLY followed through on in a long time. I mean, let's face it, I can track this practice in my life with more consistency and detail then I can track much else in my life.
The downside: After writing almost as many blog entries in one month of 2012 as I did in ALL of 2011, I'm feeling pressured to keep it up. And this week I just haven't felt good. I've been outrunning a cold, and so outside of teaching, work, more teaching, and more work, and trying to stay caught up on my life (and all the while stay sane) I just haven't been able to make my practice a priority. First of all, pranayama is such an essential part of my practice, and I've just been so damn congested that I CAN'T freakin' breathe through my nose. Which is a royal pain in the ass when you're trying to rock some Ujjayi and Nadi Shodhana.

So instead of practicing yoga (outside of teaching all of my classes, and demonstrating quite a bit, which I guess for non-yoga people would be more yoga than they would ever do in a week - so maybe I'm being too hard on myself?) I've been trying to stay on my Weight Watchers plan and I've been drinking Airborne three times a day, two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar 1 to 2 times a day, and 2 teaspoons of elderberry syrup 2 times a day. I've also been taking my multi-vitamin and 1000 mg vitamin C every day. And I feel like it's WORKING - I'm not getting any sicker, and I'm not FEELING bad, but I'm not getting rid of this congestion and cough.

All my remedies may never work, though, because I'm also wondering if it's not this CRAZY weather making my body go crazy. This is the mildest winter I have EVER experienced. And for as much as I have appreciated not having to try to drive down snow covered roads that have never, ever seen a plow (the road clearing situation where I live is RIDICULOUS) it's also making feel a little bit anxious.

So I'm heading into the weekend (my Aim True weeks run Monday-Sunday) and I've yet to do a single Kathryn Budig practice. Well, outside of that 15 minute shoulder practice on Monday. Yikes.

But this is the honest, authentic update - this is my reality, and I want to be a reality yogi more than anything.

Maybe tomorrow afternoon I'll be able to practice! I hope so!!

Shanti.

Update: I think I'm going to do a Level 1 Anusara practice with Tara Judelle. It's not part of the Aim True challenge, but it's just what I feel as though I NEED today. xo

Update #2: What I actually did on Friday afternoon was a Moderate/Vigorous online Kripalu class with my YTT teacher, Devarshi. Hit the spot. =)