Friday, October 28, 2011

The club can't even handle me right now.

I need to write a blog post. This is a blog post about writing a blog post.

It is a blog post about how I thought to write a blog post about doing a 30-day Ashtanga yoga challenge. But then I thought about how I didn't REALLY want to do a 30-day Ashtanga yoga challenge, so I'd inevitably write something really enthusiastic, sounding very committed, and then not write again for five years because I'd be embarrassed that I didn't complete my 30-day Ashtanga yoga challenge because I never wanted to do it in the first place.

This is a blog post about how it's Friday night and I'm sitting in the living room with QVC on mute, wearing my favorite way-too-big-for-me 2007 Relay for Life t-shirt (that I won at 5am during the 2008 Relay for Life after walking about 200 thousand times around a track and the only prizes they had left at 5am were 2X shirts they had left over from the year before) + black sweat pants + purple striped leg warmers. How I'm feeling very convinced by the QVC lady that this white pencil she's applying OUTSIDE of the lip-line (she keeps repeating that, like everyone watching QVC is really dumb and is going to draw a white line inside of their lip line, but actually, it's just as weird to draw a white line outside your lip line as it is to draw it inside, isn't it?) IS, in fact, making her lips and the model's lips look bigger. But I'm only feeling convinced because she keeps saying, with great gusto, "LOOK AT HOW MUCH BIGGER MY LIPS LOOK!! LOOK AT THAT!! OH MY GOODNESS, JUST LOOK!" because when I actually look, all I see is that it looks as though she has drawn on a thin white mustache right OUTSIDE of her lip-line. Who does that? And if you want your lips to look bigger because you want someone to kiss them, won't they be freaked out when they pull away from the kiss to look at you with passion and your lips have SHRUNK?

Which reminds me of the last hot and heavy make-out session I had (in my car. In the Kroger parking lot. Because being 30-something is no different from being 16-something) during which the dude I was making out with was slightly taken aback when he pulled back and saw my face all red and scratched up from his facial hair. I have really, REALLY sensitive skin, y'all. But, like, that's kind of hot, right? A white mustache that you consume is decidedly NOT hot, comparatively.

So this is a blog post about how I think I pulled my piriformis muscle on the right side. It's super deep in your butt, the piriformis muscle. So it's like your butt cheek hurts, but it's like, the depths of your butt cheek, which is just disturbing, you know, to imagine that your but cheek has depth. Pigeon pose feels like it helps stretch it, but it's not making it feel better any longer than I am in the pose, though. Damn yoga. Fix me, already.

It's a blog post about how I want to make homemade pasta this weekend, but I'm not going to, I'm going to use wonton wrappers instead for the butternut squash ravioli I'm making for the Halloween party/dinner my sister is having on Sunday with our friends Christi and Bruce. Christi is, incidentally, a far better blog-keeper than I am, but she has this life with a husband and two kids to document, and is mostly inspired, I think, to document their lives for her kids to look back on later, which is like, super cool. I should document my life for the kids I'll maybe one day have. That's why I'm writing. Look, kids! Mommy was at home on Friday night watching QVC and writing a slightly manic sounding blog post for the world to read! She's so funny, isn't she? Your mommy. She's FUNNY.

This is a blog post about how I had sushi two nights in a row - last night and tonight - and I could probably have sushi for two more nights and two more nights in a row after that and not be sad about it. I really love sushi. But, like, eating sushi two nights in a row means I had enough sodium via soy sauce (and probably wasabi, I bet wasabi has a LOT of sodium in it, and I like enough to make my nose burn and eyes water. Hello clear sinuses!) to stiff a horse and that's not healthy, and I really should be eating ONLY. HEALTHY. FOODS. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. because, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I work in WELLNESS, I'm a YOGA TEACHER, and I wear shirts that say YMCA STAFF on them.

It's also a blog post about how I could probably be a vegetarian if it wasn't for bacon, and how I have no problem eating healthy from the hours of 7am until 9pm, but if I don't go to bed at 9pm (and let's face it, I rarely go to bed before 2am, sometimes 4am) I lose all of my willpower and want to eat chocolate and bagels and hot dogs in the wee hours of the night. (And sometimes I do. Mostly I don't.)

This is a blog post about how I need to start spinning again, or maybe I need to go to Curves, because I'm going to be teaching yoga there, so they should probably let me work out for free, because the YMCA and Elements and Myers Martial Arts all let me work out for free as a perk of teaching yoga at their locations. And I take advantage of that, oh, maybe never. But I kinda dig that whole Curves circuit thing and the voice saying "change stations NOW" every 30 seconds or minute or whatever it is. Or maybe I need to get back on the Turbulence Training program, except every time I try to do it I hurt my back and hurting my back makes teaching yoga for a living a real bitch and a half. So I should probably just walk 5 miles a day, but walking 5 miles a day takes awhile and it's super boring, so that's why I should do a 30-day Ashtanga yoga challenge, because that's super physical and will be enough cardio, right? Right, totally. So did I just decide that I'm going to work-out by using the massage table and sauna at Elements where I have a free membership? I think I did.

So really this is a blog post about how my brain is kind of scattered right now, and so full of all of the things that I think I should do that I'm sort of paralyzed and sitting in front of the QVC more and more convinced that I need - NEED - this Christmas cookie body wash they are making big, luxurious bubbles with in a bowl of water. But I'm pretty sure that I could get a bowl of water, a poofy sponge thing, and some dish soap and make those same bubbles. But it's way better to wash your body with this fabulous moisturizing cookie body wash that costs hundreds of dollars, and totally worth it, and it's going to SAVE you money in the long run, because you won't have to make any Christmas cookies, you'll just smell yourself, and the ingredients for cookies aren't cheap. That's the rub, you know, making cookies isn't cheap, but it's considered an affordable gift. Not true!

Oh WAIT. See, this is a BUDDHIST blog post. It's a blog post about being precisely in the moment, not in the past, not in the future. I mean, if this isn't an IN THE MOMENT train of thought, I don't know what is. Speaking of this moment, I have a song in my head about how the club can't handle me right now. Because I'm OBSESSED - soooo painfully obsessed with the SING-OFF and I've been watching three specific performances over and over again from this weeks episode. One of them has all of these cute (SMART!) Darmouth boys in green singing about the club not handling them. And I think it's funny, because I looked at Dartmouth's admissions statistics today and damn if their average ACT isn't a 33 and like, every one of the 12 students they admit from the 2 million who apply has a 4.bazillion GPA - so I mean, come on Dartmouth boys, how much time are you spending in the club? Don't you really mean the LIBRARY can't handle you right now? (I went to the library drunk once when I was at Kenyon. I felt like a rebel. Yeah REBEL ME.) Anyway, here are my cute Dartmouth boys.

But actually, the best, best, BEST performance of the week was by this group Pentatonix. Watch. It's SO. AMAZING.

So, I'll leave you now. The blog can't even handle me right now.
Om, shanti, namaste, Jai, etc. etc. etc. Just breathe. I will, too. ;)