Fear.

I hit a deer (a huge 9-point buck soon to be consumed by the fire department, I'm told) head on going 70mph on the interstate the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, lost control of the car, spun across the highway and watched several other vehicles narrowly miss slamming into me as I finally came to a screeching stop horizontally across two lanes of traffic, the hood smashed in, smoke billowing into the air, headlights to my right for miles, my car totaled.

And I walked away.

Actually, I ran away at first, thinking the car was about to start on fire. I was choking on fumes trying to get out, and the locks kept locking and unlocking. When I finally got the door open I just ran.

And then there were just so many PEOPLE - pushing my car out of the road for me, asking me repeatedly if I was okay. Then there were all of the police officers and the fire men and the clipboards and the questions and the flashing blue lights. Mostly I was wondering if the Thanksgiving dinner and the five bottles of really good wine in the trunk were going to be okay. How fucking ridiculous and insignificant that seems in retrospect. Less ridiculous, though not nearly as important as my LIFE, is the emotional significance of that car to me. The one and only constant of my adult life, it was the car I purchased eleven years ago - brand new - the summer I graduated from Kenyon. I saved up the $500 deposit waiting tables at the Max & Erma's in Dublin while I applied for jobs in college admissions all over the country, ultimately ending up in Chicago.

A day later, I still feel totally and completely terrified. About what could have been. About what is. About life in general. I feel like I should just be so grateful that I'm okay and feel so lucky - and I absolutely *DO* - but I mostly just feel scared. Really, really scared.

I guess that the truth is this: I'm really a wreck, right now. I know I'll be okay, but I'm not okay right now. That's as real as it gets.

Perspective.

I just did Jennifer Reis' Deep Relaxation practice (okay - confession. I fell asleep 10 minutes in to the 40 minute version. Her voice knocks me out - it's SO SOOTHING. So I let my iPod keep playing and did the 15 minute practice and stayed awake. Mostly...) and in this fleeting moment of tranquility I thought I'd pop in and jot down a few of the things I'd like to blog about sooner rather than later:

• How I am always so aware of all that I don't know - there is SO MUCH out there to learn that it sometimes makes me feel overwhelmed and paralyzed, but also incredibly excited for each and every day I have to educate myself and discover knew things.
• How the perspective that comes with age is really interesting; how we think we have things sort of figured out at 18 but can end up entirely different people at 22, and again at 25, and again at 30 and again at.... etc. etc. etc.
• How I absolutely CRAVE yoga and meditation. And La Croix.
• How music is still one of my deepest passions and how listening to music sometimes makes me feel like I've popped a little bubble and found myself in a slightly bigger bubble that I only have a few seconds to explore before the other bubble comes back.
• Why a lot of movies and television shows don't seem to stand the test of time, whereas most books that I've loved at one time or another I still love (or love even more) when I read them years later.
• The complex I'm starting to develop about not getting invited to weddings. I'm serious. It's starting to hurt.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things I'd like to blog about, but these things have been on my mind while in the shower, driving, etc. =)

In the next few months my life is going to change a lot, and I have a feeling that blogging about it all will be a priority, so please stay tuned!!

xoH

Meaning(less)(ful)(?)

I've been truly awful at updating my blog as of late, but here's the thing - I don't want to post random, meaningless crap on the Internet just for the sake of doing so. I want my blog to be meaningful and honest. And I can be really picky about my writing - I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time composing and editing and re-writing EVERYTHING, even blog entries. And for the past few weeks I just haven't had the energy, or at least, I haven't had THAT kind of energy - the blogging energy, we'll call it. Such is life. I'm sure I'll go through phases of being overly-prolific when it comes to writing blog posts. Right now isn't one of those phases, though.

In the meantime, check out my girl Julia's AWESOME website that she just finished. We did our yoga teacher training together at Kripalu and I just adore her beyond measure. She is another kindred spirit, for sure! 

I'm enjoying the autumn rain today. Lots of people complain about rain, but I LOVE rain. Especially the kind of mellow, warm rain that allows me to go for a run or a walk and experience the exquisite way it falls on my skin. It's so beautiful!

I've already worked out this morning. Now it's time for a latte and then I'm off to teach yoga this afternoon.

xoxo